Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Developers vague about how residents will access condos atop billboard

Above: New plans for 205 Race Street include "several" residential units high atop a controversial billboard across 2nd Street in the shadows of the Benjamin Franklin Bridge. This would be the first residential billboard project in the United States and only the fourth in the world. When asked how residents would access the billboard condominium units, the developer replied, "Very carefully. Like, we mean, very carefully." If the billboard access ladder is to act as the main entryway for residents--a logical assumption--city officials would like to see rungs placed every six to eight inches for improved ascent and descent safety. "Having more rungs on the pole ladder will make moving furniture into the building much more pleasant," said one official.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Dunkin' Donuts kiosk opens inside Center City Dunkin' Donuts

Philadelphia--A Dunkin' Donuts inside a Dunkin' Donuts? This is exactly what a java-seeking patron will find on the 1600 block of JFK Blvd in the city's bustling office district. The new downtown doughnut kiosk is the nation's first located within a Dunkin' Donuts store--most are found in airports and malls. The Massachusetts based coffee chain is expanding rapidly in the Philadelphia area, quadrupling the number of locations over the past fifteen years from a scant 25,000 in 2000 to over 100,000 by early 2014. (The company would not comment on the number of new DDs opened since January, but the city estimates it at around 15,000--for a total of 115,000.) There are 48,236 DDs in Center City alone. "We wanted to expand without expanding," said Dale Hightower, chief financial officer at Dunkin' Donuts. "Does that make sense? We can expand and offer lower franchising fees without growing our real estate holdings or rents. This is very innovative stuff." The kiosks will be independently owned and operated from the host Dunkin' Donuts store. The company also acknowledged there are times during the business day when coffee/doughnut demand is so overwhelming that a supplemental kiosk will ease the strain on host store employees. After the first week of business some customers reported feeling confused by the new stand emblazoned with the bright DD logo. "I walked in and the people at the kiosk were waving me toward them, but so too were the employees at the counter of the store. It was very ... odd," said Sarah Beckner of East Falls. 

Friday, August 8, 2014

Monday, July 28, 2014

Outdoor moviegoers miss ending of 'Up' after helium-filled, inflatable movie screen drifts into the night sky

"It was only supposed to rise about ten feet off the ground," said a movie screen rental employee. "It was a publicity stunt that went very wrong. Please keep your eyes out for a large, inflatable movie screen, last spotted floating southwest."

Friday, July 18, 2014

World Cup: New Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) system debuts just in time for all-important weekend after major soccer tournament ends

"It was a nail-biter," said Adao Juan Felipe, Brazil's deputy of transit infrastructure. "We really pushed, we didn't think having the BRT completed in time for the weekend after the World Cup ended was feasible. It's a credit to all involved."

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Urine from fearful thrillseekers provides needed water for world's tallest water slide

"We don't need to pump water to the top in order for the rafts to glide down the slide," said Kansas City, MO, water park official Tom Loughlin. "The urination caused from the fear and anticipation of the ride provides enough water for the inflated crafts to smoothly negotiate the steep descent. It's been a fabulous, and, honestly, unexpected cost saver."

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

World Cup: FIFA pressuring ESPN to release percentage of Brazilian rainforest razed to construct eloborate Rio set

Some scientists estimate, simply by viewing the many broadcasts, that the sports network felled up to 35% of the country's jungle canopy to provide the materials for the "Beautiful Set."

Thursday, June 26, 2014

World Cup: U.S. tennis great Andre Agassi embracing head coaching role with Chile

"I am grateful for the opportunity that the people of Chile have given me," said retired American tennis star Andre Agassi, current head coach of Chile's men's national soccer team. "[Chile] took a chance on a guy that knows nearly nothing about soccer. I mean, I know the whole 'don't use your hands thing.' The team has really embraced my idea of training while gripping a tennis racket. Yep, that's all we do is play tennis using a soccer ball. But, looking at our performance in this World Cup, I'd say it's working." 

Monday, June 23, 2014

World Cup: ESPN's new soccer ball cameras forcing television viewers to take motion sickness medication

Dramamine purchases every remaining commercial slot for conclusion of tournament. The sports network claims that if players were striking the eight-pound ball correctly, there would be "zero spin," and, thus, a "much more enjoyable experience for the home audience."

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Concert goers spend entire performance avoiding beach tag checkers at renovated, sandy Festival Pier

At one point during the concert the entire audience entered the Delaware River--scaling a chain link fence in the process--in an effort to avoid paying the $14/day beach tag cost. "I had to go to the bathroom anyway," said one reveler. 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Stanley Cup Final: Mark Messier guarantees a game four, not a victory, but just that a game four will be played

The former Rangers captain, who once promised a game six victory over the New Jersey Devils in the 1994 semi-finals, swears he made the guarantee 'before the series even started.'

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Budweiser Clydesdales (and full beer wagon) gracefully pulverize all eight jumps during Devon Horse Show exhibition

The full hitch has never completed a successful jump, but the crew "certainly loves to try each year." Budweiser covers the costs of all needed repairs.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Lazy Gehry? Art Museum's two tower expansion plan nearly identical to famed architect's Bilbao design

The world-renowned architect later admitted: "Okay, okay, yes, I may have borrowed some elements from my Guggenheim design. Okay, alright, it's the exact same concept. Are you happy now? I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those meddling architecture kids, er, students."

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Blake Bortles joining with LeBron James to launch world's first wine cooler sports drink: Bortles & James

The new alcoholic sports beverage will replace depleted electrolytes and give athletes "a pretty good buzz." Television ads will remind consumers to drink responsibly and to have a "designated player."

Saturday, May 24, 2014

California Chrome abruptly withdraws from Devon Horse Show

Devon, PA--In a not so surprising move, California Chrome, winner of this year's Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes, just two weeks before the Belmont Stakes and a chance at the Triple Crown, abruptly withdrew from the Devon Horse Show this morning--the country's oldest and largest outdoor multi-breed equestrian show. "He did the [Kentucky] Derby, the Preakness, and is preparing for the Belmont. I just think trying to squeeze in Devon is not a good idea right now," said co-owner, Steve Coburn. "He's a racer not a jumper. It's pretty obvious now. I need to stop pushing the whole jumping thing...just let it go." Chrome placed 28th overall at the 2013 Devon Horse Show individual racing jumping medley with a time of 2:31, accumulating seventeen knockdowns in the process. Earlier this week, Devon officials banned the nasal strip used by Chrome in the first two legs of the Triple Crown, but the horse's owners quickly dismissed the notion that this influenced the decision to pull out of the 2014 show. "Chrome can jump without the strip, I guarantee that," said Coburn. "But, this is all about preparing for the Belmont...I swear." Coburn wants New York horse racing officials to place jumps on the Belmont track to show Devon that Chrome can race and jump at the same time.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Klinsmann: 'Niemals kritisieren Oktoberfest, Mercedes, BMW, oder Volkswagen'

The head coach of the U.S. men's national soccer team, Jurgen Klinsmann, claims he overheard Landon Donovan, a surprise omission from the 2014 World Cup roster, criticize October Fest, Mercedes Benz, BMW, and Volkswagon at a team party a few months ago. "He didn't think I was listening," said Klinsmann, "He told a teammate that beers were too big at Oktoberfest and that Volkswagens handled poorly."

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby pedaling into Lincoln Financial Field in 2015?

The festival that celebrates moving art and non-motorized transportation could be held at the Linc for the next five years--but with no mud pit. MetLife Stadium in North Jersey is also courting the vibrant Philadelphia street fair and "promises a very muddy" finish. 
Above: The Coors Light-Xfinity Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby of Lincoln Financial Field?

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Disney wanted to make 'Million Dollar Baby Arm' but could not get PG rating

The studio was forced to change the tragic ending already filmed and drop 'Baby' from title to lose the PG-13 rating given by the MPAA. "Also, the title would have been confusing to audiences," said one Disney executive. "It's not a film about pitchers with tiny arms."