Friday, July 18, 2014

World Cup: New Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) system debuts just in time for all-important weekend after major soccer tournament ends

"It was a nail-biter," said Adao Juan Felipe, Brazil's deputy of transit infrastructure. "We really pushed, we didn't think having the BRT completed in time for the weekend after the World Cup ended was feasible. It's a credit to all involved."

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Urine from fearful thrillseekers provides needed water for world's tallest water slide

"We don't need to pump water to the top in order for the rafts to glide down the slide," said Kansas City, MO, water park official Tom Loughlin. "The urination caused from the fear and anticipation of the ride provides enough water for the inflated crafts to smoothly negotiate the steep descent. It's been a fabulous, and, honestly, unexpected cost saver."

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

World Cup: FIFA pressuring ESPN to release percentage of Brazilian rainforest razed to construct eloborate Rio set

Some scientists estimate, simply by viewing the many broadcasts, that the sports network felled up to 35% of the country's jungle canopy to provide the materials for the "Beautiful Set."

Thursday, June 26, 2014

World Cup: U.S. tennis great Andre Agassi embracing head coaching role with Chile

"I am grateful for the opportunity that the people of Chile have given me," said retired American tennis star Andre Agassi, current head coach of Chile's men's national soccer team. "[Chile] took a chance on a guy that knows nearly nothing about soccer. I mean, I know the whole 'don't use your hands thing.' The team has really embraced my idea of training while gripping a tennis racket. Yep, that's all we do is play tennis using a soccer ball. But, looking at our performance in this World Cup, I'd say it's working." 

Monday, June 23, 2014

World Cup: ESPN's new soccer ball cameras forcing television viewers to take motion sickness medication

Dramamine purchases every remaining commercial slot for conclusion of tournament. The sports network claims that if players were striking the eight-pound ball correctly, there would be "zero spin," and, thus, a "much more enjoyable experience for the home audience."

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Concert goers spend entire performance avoiding beach tag checkers at renovated, sandy Festival Pier

At one point during the concert the entire audience entered the Delaware River--scaling a chain link fence in the process--in an effort to avoid paying the $14/day beach tag cost. "I had to go to the bathroom anyway," said one reveler. 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Stanley Cup Final: Mark Messier guarantees a game four, not a victory, but just that a game four will be played

The former Rangers captain, who once promised a game six victory over the New Jersey Devils in the 1994 semi-finals, swears he made the guarantee 'before the series even started.'

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Budweiser Clydesdales (and full beer wagon) gracefully pulverize all eight jumps during Devon Horse Show exhibition

The full hitch has never completed a successful jump, but the crew "certainly loves to try each year." Budweiser covers the costs of all needed repairs.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Lazy Gehry? Art Museum's two tower expansion plan nearly identical to famed architect's Bilbao design

The world-renowned architect later admitted: "Okay, okay, yes, I may have borrowed some elements from my Guggenheim design. Okay, alright, it's the exact same concept. Are you happy now? I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those meddling architecture kids, er, students."

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Blake Bortles joining with LeBron James to launch world's first wine cooler sports drink: Bortles & James

The new alcoholic sports beverage will replace depleted electrolytes and give athletes "a pretty good buzz." Television ads will remind consumers to drink responsibly and to have a "designated player."

Saturday, May 24, 2014

California Chrome abruptly withdraws from Devon Horse Show

Devon, PA--In a not so surprising move, California Chrome, winner of this year's Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes, just two weeks before the Belmont Stakes and a chance at the Triple Crown, abruptly withdrew from the Devon Horse Show this morning--the country's oldest and largest outdoor multi-breed equestrian show. "He did the [Kentucky] Derby, the Preakness, and is preparing for the Belmont. I just think trying to squeeze in Devon is not a good idea right now," said co-owner, Steve Coburn. "He's a racer not a jumper. It's pretty obvious now. I need to stop pushing the whole jumping thing...just let it go." Chrome placed 28th overall at the 2013 Devon Horse Show individual racing jumping medley with a time of 2:31, accumulating seventeen knockdowns in the process. Earlier this week, Devon officials banned the nasal strip used by Chrome in the first two legs of the Triple Crown, but the horse's owners quickly dismissed the notion that this influenced the decision to pull out of the 2014 show. "Chrome can jump without the strip, I guarantee that," said Coburn. "But, this is all about preparing for the Belmont...I swear." Coburn wants New York horse racing officials to place jumps on the Belmont track to show Devon that Chrome can race and jump at the same time.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Klinsmann: 'Niemals kritisieren Oktoberfest, Mercedes, BMW, oder Volkswagen'

The head coach of the U.S. men's national soccer team, Jurgen Klinsmann, claims he overheard Landon Donovan, a surprise omission from the 2014 World Cup roster, criticize October Fest, Mercedes Benz, BMW, and Volkswagon at a team party a few months ago. "He didn't think I was listening," said Klinsmann, "He told a teammate that beers were too big at Oktoberfest and that Volkswagens handled poorly."

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby pedaling into Lincoln Financial Field in 2015?

The festival that celebrates moving art and non-motorized transportation could be held at the Linc for the next five years--but with no mud pit. MetLife Stadium in North Jersey is also courting the vibrant Philadelphia street fair and "promises a very muddy" finish. 
Above: The Coors Light-Xfinity Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby of Lincoln Financial Field?

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Disney wanted to make 'Million Dollar Baby Arm' but could not get PG rating

The studio was forced to change the tragic ending already filmed and drop 'Baby' from title to lose the PG-13 rating given by the MPAA. "Also, the title would have been confusing to audiences," said one Disney executive. "It's not a film about pitchers with tiny arms."

Friday, May 16, 2014

Several Braves employees hospitalized after attempting to show new suburban stadium site is 'definitively walkable' from downtown Atlanta

Cobb County, GA--The Braves will unveil a new, suburban stadium in 2017, fleeing Turner Field--a product of the 1996 Olympics--and the city of Atlanta for a 60-acre site nearly 15 miles northwest of the Georgia capital. To show the location is "not as remote as everyone thinks," the team organized a walk on Wednesday with twelve employees from the urban center to the intersection of I-285 and I-75--mall country. "We feel that our new locale is easily accessible on foot for our Atlanta city proper fans," said Dave Sandine, the team's logistics statistics manager of logistics. "And, we wanted to emphatically demonstrate that 'walkability.'" Front office staff joined with beer vendors and program sales staff for the five-hour hike along the shoulder of chaotic Interstate 75. The heat and honking 18-wheelers proved too much for ten of the dozen brave Braves, requiring hospital visits but no overnight stays. Two employees completed the journey but sported severe sunburns as a result. "I, uh, could, um...easily, uh, do that walk four or five...um, times a week. Whoa, who's got water?" said a very out of breath Jessica Gilmore, a Turner Field hot dog slinger from Savannah.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Brooklyn Nets harshly criticized for wearing 'We Did It: Took the Heat to 5 Games' t-shirts after losing to Miami 4-1

The team said it was "only a joke" and that losing to the Heat was "extremely disappointing." Fans, however, were very upset: "I could see them wearing a shirt like that if the series went six or seven games but not five," said one fan.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

NFL Draft: Scout now sort of wishing he didn't visit Indiana State Corn Museum instead of attending NFL Combine

New York City--A first-year NFL scout with an NFC West team admitted yesterday--the second day of the NFL Draft--that he probably should have actually attended the NFL Combine in Indianapolis at the end of February instead of wandering the lengthy halls of the Indiana State Corn Museum. The scout claimed to have been present at the four-day NFL-hopeful talent showcase extravaganza featuring over 300 athletes participating in nearly seventy-five events. (Even going as far as to tweet from the museum about an athlete's performance.) "I should have gone. Period. The Combine is important and I needed to be there because it's my job. But, the brochure in the hotel lobby was intriguing...it made corn look really fascinating," said the scout, who wanted to remain anonymous. "I was just going to pop in for, like, an hour, but ended up spending three and a half days there. Trust me, I had every intention of showing up at the Combine--but, honestly, did you know that the U.S. produces roughly 40% of the world's corn." During the first two days of the draft at Radio City Music Hall, the scout gave "very general information" when asked to provide a detailed breakdown of a particular player. "I simply named height, weight, place of birth, and favorite movie of the athlete. If asked to elaborate, I would simply repeat the height and weight and add a 'c'mon, now.'"